I have experienced many new emotions since I have entered into this new culture. Some were expected and others were surprises. I am now beginning to see how the situations that have revealed these emotions were uniquely designed by my Heavenly Father.
The first emotion I experienced was loneliness. Not the kind of loneliness when you do not know anyone or are somehow unable to interact with other people. This loneliness is rather ironic; it comes from being surrounded by crowds of people every day and yet feeling completely isolated and unable to connect with them because of a language barrier that seemed at first to be monumental. For days on end, I felt like a premature baby in the NICU. I was completely isolated and longed for real human contact. I never realized how deep a desire it is for all humans to feel connected. However, during those times, my Father blessed me with an overwhelming sense of his presence holding my right hand and guiding my steps with his counsel. I learned that even this "instinctively human" need can be met by my savior during a time when He has asked me to pick up my cross and follow him. Though I am able to communicate much more now than I was when I first arrived, there are still days when I wish I could tell Giovanna, Sergio, and Agnese, those who work in the bakery downstairs and make my cappuccino in the mornings, the details of an experience or even express how special they are to me. (many people did tell me I would not be able to express my sense of humor in Italian for quite a while...but I think my sarcasm has translated quite well from day 1. I always seem to find a way to convey it!) Nonetheless, my Father has proved himself to be my ever-present help in times of need.
The other emotion I have been experiencing a lot lately is the feeling of being a child. I am enjoying being able to communicate in a pragmatic sense. However, I know full well that my vocabulary and grammatical ability matches that of a 5 year old Italian child. There are some aspects of being a child that are quite interesting. For example, I noticed today that my learning pattern is exactly like that of a child. I remember when my siblings were little and learning to speak. They needed repetition and the word or phrase did not stick in their heads until they used it themselves, unprompted, in a dialogue. I am the same way. I also remember laughing at the words and phrases they picked up. Sometimes, the words seemed completely random and I would always hear my parents say, "where did she learn that??" Not anything bad: just random. I am the same way. My language teachers laugh at the random words I pick up from hours of listening and talking each day. I come in every day asking, "Lorenza, che significa xyz?" I can almost hear them thinking to themselves, "how in the world did she pick up that word/phrase?"
Being a child again also has it's difficulty. I must confess that I prided myself and even found some of my identity in being a communicator back in the States. My highschool years where spent traveling to various debate tournaments and my college degree was heavy in rhetoric. That ability has been like a rug pulled out from under my feet. How humbling it is to daily live in an environment where many who hear me speak broken Italian assume that I think broken thoughts. But who am I? Am I a "History of Ideas" major? Am I a "debater"? Am I a theologian? No, "I"am crucified with Christ. It is not I that lives but Christ who lives within me. In realta', I am a broken vessel whom God has declared righteous. By stripping my identity away from me, I have found it even deeper in Him. I often wonder what it is people see in me that makes them want to talk to me. It isn't my nationality: if anything, that is a hindrance for some people. It isn't my personality hidden behind my frustration with reflexive verbs. It isn't the my brains; in their mind I know just as much as a 5 year old. It certainly isn't my clothes in a world where everyone changes their wardrobe every 3 months for the "color" of the season. It certainly isn't my looks in a place where I walk the streets with models. The only thing it can be is Christ in me. He has completely stripped me of everything I could possibly claim to be "mine" and replaced it with a child-like dependence on Him. How beautiful yet humbling to think that the ONLY thing people see and are attracted to in me is Christ!
In light of this new experience, Mark 10:15-16 affects me in a much deeper, real way:
Let the little children come to Me. Don't stop them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I assure you: Whoever does not welcome the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it. After taking them in his arms, He laid His hands on them and blessed them.
In this passage, Jesus is not saying we have to have "blind faith" or throw out all knowledge to come to him. What he is saying is he wants our dependence upon him just as a little child is dependent upon it's father. He blesses that child-like dependence and adoration and delights in his child. He has so clearly done this for me each and every day. I am completely dependent upon him not only for my salvation, but for every breath I take as a child of God.
I am unbelievably blessed to be in a place where the people have been exceptionally encouraging and helpful. They seem to long to communicate with me just as much as I long to communicate with them. The smile on their faces is just as big as the smile on my face when we understand each other. My hand gestures and facial expressions have gotten much bigger as a means of communicating my emotions when my words don't suffice. Their warm smiles and sparkling eyes reach straight to my heart and often speak louder than words.
